Saturday, October 18, 2014

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

I'm starting to do much better now.  I'm on a different medication and it's finally starting to kick in.  I'm back to car dancing again when a song I like comes on the radio.  That's where the upper half of me moves to the beat of the music when stuck at a traffic light.  I think people in cars around me wonder at the crazed woman next to them, but I have fun.  My coworkers are starting to notice a change.  I'm back to being the 'fun' one again.  I really missed being me.
 I did do myself no favours though when I started running real low on the new medication and rather than going back and getting my prescription renewed, I started taking less, missing a day here or there and/or taking the medication I was taking.  But they say we learn more from our mistakes and I learned a LOT from that STUPID mistake.  If I didn't know how much better I was doing before that I certainly found out then.  So a very strong word of advice from those who suffer from depression.  Medication really does work and DO NOT be afraid to take it.  I know part of our brain will tell us it's all in our head - and while technically it is, the right medication can really make a difference is us being the people we are supposed to be rather than the person that depression makes us.

I would say I'm at least 80% back and the difference between where I am now and where I was even a month ago is like night and day.


One of the things I'm working on is slowly getting all my most favourite books downloaded to either Kindle or Kobo or IBooks - I do a lot of comparison shopping and whichever deal is best.  Many of them are older books and good luck in finding some at reasonable prices or even at all.  Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas for example is $9.17 for the Kindle book, $8.99 for the Kobo and $8.99 on IBooks.  Hell will freeze over before I EVER pay that much more for an ebook then a print copy.  At this point I will state categorically that I HATE what Random House is doing.  They may have lowered their prices in the US, but it hasn't made it's way north of the border.

I will go looking for my favourite books only to be disappointed again and again thought I have managed to get quite a few.  But every once in a while it's like I get the best gift in the whole world when I find an ebook I've been wanting ever since I joined the world of ereading.

Such is the case with Justine Davis.  I've enjoyed many, many of her books but two stand out a bit more that the others, Lord of the Storm and Skypirate.  I've  blogged about them before and they are two of the best SciFi/Futuristic books I've read and I have read a GREAT number of them.  And in particular, the hero of Skypirate has THE best name of a hero I've every come across - Dax Silverbrake.   I mean is that a cook name or what????   I thought it was the best name ever when I first read the book in 1995 and I still haven't come across a hero's name that beats it. 

I check every few months, hoping either or have been reissued as ebooks and I did so again a week or so ago.  I was ecstatic, ecstatic I tell you to discover that yes indeed, they have been reissued as ebooks.  And not only that - I'm almost giddy with this news - Ms. Davis is planning on bringing out a whole new book in the Coalition series.  I remember reading years ago that she had plans on writing more in this series but the publishers weren't interested.  I've already bought and read Lord of the Storm and Skypirate just came out Oct 16 and you can bet the bank that it will be loaded up onto my tablet very shortly.  The only hitch at the moment is I have Lord of the Storm on my Kobo but Skypirate is only on Amazon at the moment and I kind of want to keep them on the same reading device instead of one on Kobo, the other on Kindle.  Thank the stars that the wonderful *happy dance* world of self-publishing and ebooks has changed the game.  And in many cases the author and the readers are the winners

Tuesday, September 09, 2014


As my mood is down in the dumps – so is a lot of my television viewing.  I confess to watching TMZ.  I was watching the clip yesterday they had of Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens knocking his then fiancĂ© out cold then dragging her out of the elevator like a bag of garbage.  I, along with any who has seen the video was horrified watching it.  That a man could do that kind of thing to a woman is frightening and no excuses, he should go to jail and he should be banned.

But in all honesty, what I found equally horrifying is that since that incident, she MARRIED him. OMG!  What kind of fool is she?  They guy is obviously a thug who should be doing time and rather than getting far, far away from that animal, she MARRIES him.  I do not understand why she would do such a thing.  No way can I believe it’s because she looooooves him.  One would have to have zero self-respect to claim that and I’m just not buying it.  All I can think is it must be the money.  And what a sad thing is that.  If he did something like that even before they were married when life was good, what on earth will happen now that his life is deservedly falling apart, what can she expect now?  Whatever it is, I am sad to say she won’t get sympathy from me.  I am in no way shape or form excusing him – AT ALL – but what does it say about her?


I also have been watching Big Brother.  Never really watched it before but hey – I’m living in the basement of life these days so its basement TV.  I don’t get this show.  I don’t get that people are such big fans they want to be on it.  I can only think they want their “15 minutes of fame”.  Why else would you be willingly followed by a camera 24/7 that can watch you do just about anything and have complete strangers watch any time of the night or day.  Why else would you knowingly make friends with people who would stab you in the back without a second thought with the nebulous excuse ‘well, I heard you said this about me”.  Yes, years ago I was caught up in the Survivor experience too like so many others who were introduced to reality TV, but Big Brother takes it a whole other level and I don’t get the appeal.  And this is coming from someone whose two favourite shows are reality, elimination type shows, So You Think You Can Dance and Face Off.  But in both those shows it’s either the audience or judges who do the eliminating and you can see there is a real bond between contestants.  They work together and when someone is sent home, they really are sad and not rubbing their hands in glee that another one bit the dust.  I think the thing that bugs me the most is all the hugging.  Stabbing them in the back and then hugging them goodbye just doesn’t work for me.  No amount of money is worth it.  They can also get pretty nasty on Master Chef too though it’s Chef Ramsay and company that sends the contestants home.


Now on the plus side, I’m REALLY enjoying Outlander.  I read the first book but didn’t really continue on with the series after that one – the size of them intimidates me.  But the series is working just fine, just fine indeedy.  Ach Jamie.

I’m not reading these days, don’t seem to have the  concentration, so no real thoughts on romance reading, thus another ‘ponderings’ post.
'til later

Friday, September 05, 2014

I had a good day yesterday and thought that would be the start of coming back.  I’d gotten a new doctor, got new medication for depression, and had a session with the councilor the day before.  Yesterday I stopped and got new stickers for the car – I should have had them a month ago and was driving on borrowed time, getting quite concerned whenever I saw a cop car thinking I’d get pulled over – deservedly so.  But how would I explain that no, I didn’t get my sticker yet because it was too overwhelming and I was driving on out of date insurance slips because no, I hadn’t opened the mail when they came and now I don’t know where I put them.  Unless I was young and very attractive I don’t think that excuse would have worked – and even if I were – chances are I’d still get a ticket.  But I did find the slips and everything is OK on that front.  Now, as I said to my coworkers this morning, if I get pulled over it will be probably for speeding – deservedly so – not for outdated license stickers.

But I got up this morning and it was if the better day yesterday never happened.  It was SUCH  struggle to even get out of bed.  If I hadn’t called in sick earlier this week (though I did go after all – a couple hours late) then had a breakdown at work the next day; and if we weren’t very short staffed this week, I would have skipped the work thing today.

I mired in despair for a bit, still there mostly, but I did make it to work – then told myself this is going to happen.  There WILL still be bad days, probably many more than good days for a while.  But the time WILL come when it turns around and the good days start to outnumber the bad.

My house is a mess and it’s slowly been getting worse over the past six months, to the point I don’t feel comfortable having anyone over.  But the reno guy is coming on Monday.  One of my coworkers is coming over tomorrow to help me clean up and that is stressing me out – maybe why today is a bad day.  She knows what I’m going through as she does to and is telling me not to worry – but then that’s almost like telling me not to breath – impossible.  So I’m breaking it down into tiny bits.  I wrote out a list of things I think I am capable of doing to kind of be ready to have someone over.  I will never be really ready the state I’m in but I have to deal with what I can do.  I’m thinking for the time being I might have to carry around a notebook and pen and do that – write down small things that are accomplishable and realistic all things considered.

And I certainly am glad I had the foresight years ago when I started this blog to call it RAMBLINGS on Romance ETC. ETC. ETC.  I sure am rambling about etc. aren’t I?

And another good thing about the day - I am ROCKIN' a good hair do.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

What seems like baby steps are actually huge steps when one is in the depths of depression.  I was thinking last night; one of my favourite books is Alice in Wonderland.  She enters Wonderland by falling down the rabbit hole.  That’s kind of what it’s like only one isn’t entering Wonderland.  At the bottom of this rabbit hole it’s dark and nobody can see you and you can’t see them and that’s the way you want it to be.  Isolating ourselves is one of the things we do best – at least isolating ourselves from the ones we care most about.  I could function very well on one level, I planned a Bilbo Baggins type party for my 60th birthday  - inviting 22 people and had a wonderful time, I came to work just about every day; I may have taken one or two ‘mental health’ days but many less than some people.  I was fun at work and did fine on phone calls.  It’s only the ones we love the best at least in my case I have the hardest time dealing with.  And then that creates a whole new set of issues as they don’t really know or is some cases understand.  I read up on the symptoms of acute depression and that’s where I’m at and one of them is self-loathing and that I can really relate to.  The more I draw in, the more I hate what I’m doing to them and to myself, thus causing me to draw in more.  And they don’t know what I’m going through ‘cause I don’t call them, or see them or tell them, thus causing even more self-loathing.  It’s a vicious, vicious circle and I wish I knew the answer for everyone or what to tell people who love someone who suffers from it.  I think it may depend on the severity.  Suicide for example, has never been a concern in my case though I do understand the utter hopelessness people contemplating it feel.  As I said, self-loathing is a symptom but I’m still rational enough to know that would make my family really hate what I did and the aftermath would be unfair to them – the thoughts of closing the house itself for example.  I have over 40 boxes of books in one room alone and I’m sure they’d be cursing me with every box they removed.  And then they would probably burn them they’d be so angry and we can’t have that!!  But that’s me and loved ones don’t know what’s in the heart and mind of someone who’s not doing well, so doing nothing might not be so good.  I think just contact them and be gentle and patient and not expect a long answer unless the sufferer is in a ‘moment’.  And even if they are thinking “I wish they would just smarten up and get over it” try and understand it’s not that simple.  After my Keeping up with the Karsdashian’s weekend marathon it’s obviously something Kim doesn’t get but Kloe does about Rob (“self-absorbed little twit” she muttered).  Most important to family – know that it’s not lack of love that’s keeping the depressed person isolated, it’s the depression itself.  Now poor Rob is probably experiencing self-loathing for missing the twit’s wedding.

I LOVE the song Stuck in a Moment by U2.  The following lyrics couldn’t BE more perfect.  I’ve sung it to myself many a time over the years:

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass


This is exactly how it feels – like we are stuck in a moment – only it’s longer than a moment, and we really can’t get out it no matter how hard we try.  But as hard as it seems to believe – to the point of impossibility, it’s just a moment and this time will pass.


And to end on a more positive note – and using metaphors which I love to do, I hit the floor of the rabbit hole – hard – but now I’m standing up, brushing off all the dirt and looking up for a way out.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

I’ve always been almost way too open here.  I’ve shared things that after I posted I think to myself “I can’t believe I wrote and posted that!  And here I go again with probably the same response after.


I have suffered from depression for years.  I’ve blogged about it before.  No biggie in a way, so many people do, and I’ve been able to hold it at bay for quite some time with medication.  But the medication gradually stopped working, I think I’d say about 6 months ago, and I’ve slowly, without really realizing it, started suffering the symptoms.  I reached the bottom on the weekend just past.  It was a long weekend and I sat in my house with the air conditioning real low, covered in a blanket, wearing dirty clothes when I bothered to get dressed late in the day, the blind closed and watched mindless television – I mean we are talking Naked Dating and Keeping up with the Kardashian.  It doesn’t get much lower than that.  At the same time I was having a full blown junk food pig out, anything to keep me from ‘feeling’ anything.  Over the past 6 months I’ve pretty much put on all the weight back on I worked so hard to get rid of and Monday was my rock bottom.  It’s hard to put into words the horrible sense of being overwhelmed by the most simplest of things are.  Things I could handle with both hands tied behind my back are beyond me.  Before I went to the cottage, packing my luggage was beyond me and I left it until the morning of and then just threw stuff in – dirty or clean – it didn’t matter.  Thank goodness the cottage had a washer and dryer and others were constantly doing laundry.  I still haven’t unpacked yet and that was over a week ago.  My luggage is still sitting in the living room.  I seem to have fruit flies and rather than pulverizing the little buggers with my vacuum and then a bit of kitty litter, I’m crying over them.  My bathroom renovation guy was supposed to start my bathroom on Tuesday, but I called and postponed it because I haven’t been able to do housework – even though I desperately want to – and I couldn’t have him working in my house the way it looks now.  I was supposed to get my car sticker renewed by August 11th but I still haven’t done it.

I’m managing to go to work as I love my job and coworkers and weird as it sounds, work is my ‘safe place’ right now.  But I did call in sick yesterday; not physically sick, but mentally and emotionally sick.  No matter what I’ve tried nothing works and I did something even worse with bad results I can’t even think about without feeling sick to my stomach about.

So.  After I called in sick yesterday with the thoughts of doing housework so I could have Reno guy in to do my bathroom and I STILL just sat there not even moving, I realized I’d hit rock bottom (or so I thought but that goes with the last sentence in the above paragraph).  We have an Employee Assistance Program but I didn’t have the number so I got dressed – no makeup, no bling, no hair fixing – and came into work.  It was obvious that I was a mess emotionally wise.  But I did get through the day, in fact I even worked late.  I called and have an appointment with a counselor today so I’m leaving early for it.  I did literally fall apart here at work earlier today and my Manager got me the name of a doctor and I also called them to get in for more medication.


So, I will blog about my journey back, hoping that it might connect with someone reading who is going through the same thing.  Although I can’t imagine it at the moment, I have to believe it can be done.  The thing about depression is it’s hidden.  Outwardly I seemed happy and my normal easy going self except the weight gain.  But on the inside, where no one can see, I am/was falling apart.

To be continued

Friday, August 29, 2014

I just can't quit you Book

It's said that women and men are from two different planets when it comes to communication, but how can they overcome the obstacles of prehistoric times when one of them simply doesn’t have the ability to comprehend language?
Ehd’s a caveman living on his own in a harsh wilderness. He’s strong and intelligent, but completely alone. When he finds a beautiful young woman in his pit trap, it’s obvious to him that she is meant to be his mate. He doesn’t know where she came from; she’s wearing some pretty odd clothing, and she makes a lot of noises with her mouth that give him a headache. Still, he’s determined to fulfill his purpose in life – provide for her, protect her, and put a baby in her.
Elizabeth doesn’t know where she is or exactly how she got there. She’s confused and distressed by her predicament, and there’s a caveman hauling her back to his cavehome. She’s not at all interested in Ehd’s primitive advances, and she just can’t seem to get him to listen. No matter what she tries, getting her point across to this primitive, but beautiful, man is a constant – and often hilarious – struggle.
With only each other for company, they must rely on one another to fight the dangers of the wild and prepare for the winter months. As they struggle to coexist, theirs becomes a love story that transcends language and time.
This hasn’t happened for a while – in fact not since I read Broken Wing, but I can’t move on from this darn book.  I’ve tried but it’s just not working.  It’s got stuck inside me like an ear worm song and I find myself thinking about it at most unusual times.  So I’ve had no choice but to answer the book siren call.
 Despite the fact that there is no conversation in the whole book between hero and heroine, the inner dialogue of the hero is so compelling.  This book is far from perfect technically and if a more technical reader challenged me on some of the inconsistencies, I would so give it to them.  But EMOTIONALLY this book is damn near perfect and since I have strong emotional reactions when reading, this book has gotten to me in a big way.  It has a very emotional ending and the first time I read it, I choked up and even went so far as to CRY.  I’m not a crier and holding back those tears even made my throat hurt more.
I tried moving onto another book after this but it didn’t work, I couldn’t forget Ehd, Beh and Transcendence so there was no other option but to reread it again.  When I finished it this time, I was at work and again got all choked up.  It was my break and there were people around so I couldn’t let the tears flow.

Having read it a second time I tried to move on to another book but once again found that any book I tried paled in comparison.  I even tried rereading another book I’ve love just to kick start me on but again it didn’t work and I had no choice but to give into it and read it a third time in a row.  This time I was doing the cottage thing, having a wonderful time when I came to the end.  And for the third time got all choked up. But again I couldn’t give in to the tears that wanted to flow.  How would I explain to 4 other women, 2 teenage boys and 3 dogs that I was crying over a romance about a cave man and a woman who came from the future.  One that I had just finished reading twice before – in a week!  In a week filled with frivolity, that would have been just too weird.

 It’s still calling to me though. I have started a couple of other books since then and I can tell they are good and normally I would really enjoy them, but once more, I don’t know how far I’ll get  before the compulsion comes over me again.
Am I the only one that has this kind of reaction to a book?  It's more than a desire to read it again.  It's a NEED!  I read Broken Wing FIVE times before I could move on.  I wonder how many times with this book.........




Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Summer being Summer...


I’ve been a bit absent for a few days – not to worry, I’ve not disappeared.  I was given a project at work and it’s taking up some time.  As it’s an Excel spreadsheet I’m working on, it’s all good.
I hit a milestone birthday the other day.  I turned 60.  Now while there are some days I don’t feel the spry young thing I used to be, I most certainly don’t feel 60.  It’s funny, back when much younger 60 seemed so old.  And it isn’t really.  But it’s odd.  One of the duties I have at work is calling clients.  I usually do a quick look at their file first just to get a feel for them.  Whenever I see someone born in the 1940’s I worry about calling them as they may be having a nap or something else old people do.  Then I have to ‘get a grip’ and say to myself – “Self,  this is the generation of Woodstock, of Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger!!  And you yourself were born in the earlier part of the 50’s.  And you aren’t old.  So neither are these people you silly goose!”  I have to tell myself that quite a bit.


I ordered a book the other day – Letters to a Secret Lover by Toni Blake.  I read it not long after if first came out and loved it.  I’ve been having an urge to read it again but you need to see the state of my print book collection to realize it was not at all feasible to try and find it.  I did have a library downstairs and could have put my fingers on it in minutes.  But then my oldest moved back home and dismantled it and didn’t remantle it and then my basement flooded and, well, at the moment I have 40 boxes of book piled up in one of the bedrooms.

The price of the ebook was more than I was willing to pay so I just had to live with that jittery feeling.  You know the feeling – you are jonesing to read one particular book,  It’s using it’s siren’s voice, calling your name, not unlike what Odysseus went through.  But I wasn’t going to give in to The MAN and pay the silly price they were asking.  But a series of unfortunate and fortunate events happened.  The price came down a bit (the fortunate) and I hit a reading wall (the unfortunate) and I caved and got it.  This post is dedicated to the unfortunate or what I decided to call:  The Trustworthy Book.

Now those who don’t reread books will probably think this whole thing is silly.  Both my sisters fall into this category.  They don’t reread and don’t understand why I do.  But many readers ARE rereaders and this is for them.  We are all familiar with the “comfort” read.  This is the book that we will read again when we are feeling sad or down and we want something to help cheer us up.  Often when we are in a slump a “comfort” read will help pull us out.


A ‘trustworthy’ read is very similar but there are a few differences.  A ‘trustworthy’ read, at least in the way I’m thinking, could only have been read once before unlike a ‘comfort’ read that could be read many times.  But why you first read the ‘trustworthy’ read, is because you know going in you are going to love/like it because you’ve read it before.  I needed this kind of book as I wasn’t in a slump exactly, but I’d read a couple of books by an author I’d previously enjoyed and these books were awful in fact they left a terrible taste in my reading mouth and I needed to read something I trusted I would enjoy.  So it’s not so much a comfort book I needed.  I didn’t really need that.  And I didn’t want to read a new book by an author I trusted as this is what I did.  So I needed a book I knew in advance I could trust as I was a bit book shy

I’m headed out for a week at a cottage early, early Saturday morning.  In fact at the Very Painful hour of 6:30.  AM – yuck.  They don’t have WiFi and no McDonalds so I will be ‘off the grid’ so to speak for a week.  And as I’m not the least bit ready, this will probably be my last chance to blog until I’m back.  So not to worry – this time it’s only for a week.


‘til later


So - being the queen of procrastinators I didn't get this sent before I left on vacation.  I shall post again soon, but I had a most lovely time.  But the old gray mare - she ain't what she used to be and recuperation time takes longer and longer.